Here are some from the anti-Humour himself, Jimmy Fallon
"I saw this on the web. Lil Wayne will be the proud father of two new sons from two different women. Yeah, the women were Lil Drunk and Lil Stoned"
"Norman Brinkler, the man who invented the salad bar passed away this week. The wake was an open casket, but with a sneeze guard. They lowered his casket into the ground using giant tongs."
"A man in Ohio was sentenced to nine years in prison for stealing underwear from more than 20 women. He's hoping that with good behavior, his sentence will be brief."
"Cher's daughter, did you hear about this? Chastity Bono will have a sex change operation. It's called the gender re-assignment surgery. And will soon become a man. She's even writing a song about it, it's called 'I Got You Balls"
"The results from Iran's presidential election are in and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has declared victory. but his opponent Mir-Hossein Mousavi is claiming ballot fraud, and wants an investigation. And if that doesn't work, he's planning on making a documentary about global warming"
"The L.A. Lakers, led by Kobe Bryant, won the NBA championship last night, everybody. Very good. Laker fans celebrated by briefly looking up from their Blackberries"
"This is weird news, the restaurant chain, Sbarro is in deep financial trouble. They might even have to fille for Sbankruptcy..It's really Sbad, It's really Sbad."
"Six Flags is filing for bankruptcy. Yeah the stock dropped from 41 dollars a share to 26 cents a share. (Moving his hand like a rollercoaster during this) Then it went up to 20 dollars, and down to 45 cents. Slowly way way up to 39 dollars, straight down to 12 cents! And then all the stockholders barfed. But for 50 dollars, stockholders can buy a picture of what their face looked like when it started to die. 'I wanna frame that man! They're going to be disappointed when they get to court and see a sign that says "you must be this tall to file for bankruptcy"
"John McCain said on his Twitter feed on Monday that he's buying a brand new Ford Fusion Hybrid. A year ago, McCain didn't use a computer, now he's on Twitter and buying a hybrid. What's going on? I think he's like Benjamin Button. He'd be a cute little baby"
"Russian millionaire Roman Abromovich purchased the biggest yacht in the world. It has two helipads, a swimming pool, a missile detection system, and a miniature submarine. (In a Russian accent) But you already knew that, didn't you Mr. Bond?. That's a big boat! You know what they say, if you have a boat that big, it only means one thing: You have a small dingy."
*Note: After telling the "small dingy" punchline, he does his usual thing where he hands the cue cards for dirty jokes to an audience member*
"British Airways has asked 40,000 employees to work the next month for free, as the airline tries to cut costs. That's just what you want, right, when you fly, a pilot with nothing to lose. That's just perfect. Great idea."
"Also tough news that Myspace, they're laying off 30% of their workforce, too. Things are so bad over there, they laid off half their pedophiles....I mean it's getting tough!"
"The first photos have surfaces of Cher's daughter Chastity since she became a man. This is true. Her name is now Chaz. And the best part is, when the moment's right, she'll be able to get a Bono"
"The New York Times just reported that Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003. First Barry Bonds, then Alex Rodriguez, and now Sosa. I think we know one thing for sure: steroids work great"
"The FDA is warning that Zycam Nasal Spray can permanently reduce your sense of smell. Ever since the announcement, it's been flying off the shelves in New Jersey. I don't know why."
"In a recent interview Hugh Hefner said that he can't tell his nineteen year old twin girlfriends apart. Then he went on to mention another problem nobody else can relate to at all."
"83 year old Dick Van Dyke is writing a memoir that will be published in 2010. The book promises to answer the question: Why didn't more people make fun of his name? You know, he will put in the book his real name, which is actually Penis VanLesbian"
*Fallon gives the cue card for the Penis VanLesbian joke to an audience member*
"Hey guys, Rhode Island is opening its first medical marijuana shop. Good for them. We actually have a store like that here at late night, except our store is called Jeremy, and he's an intern working for us upstairs. He's a nice kid."
"A woman in Ohio held up three separate banks on Monday, but only because they kept on going out of business in the middle of the robbery. Even worse, they weren't even her branch, so they charged her a dollar seventy five to rob them. The economy's terrible, you can't even- (he stops before he finishes)"
"Here's some gossip, some juicy gossip news, Victoria Beckham just had cosmetic surgery on her breasts for the third time since 1999. The doctor said "Do you want me to lift them? Or should I just bend them like Beckham? That's what he said. Can he say that as a doctor?"
"Big election news from Iran. A British newspaper reported that Mir-Hossein Mousavi actually won the election, and Ahmadinejad came in third. And coming in second, Al Gore. That was just weird, I found that odd..the guy can't win anything"
"In a new interview, John Edwards said that 'time will tell' if his decision to run for president while having an affair was a good decision or not. I hate to break it to you John, but it was a bad decision. In fact "time" just called me, it won't shut up about it, okay? Time's telling"
"Hey did you read about this? Jane Fonda had surgery to replace her left knee this week. I hope she's okay. I'm just glad that the media is finally paying attention to the long term side effects of Jazzercise"
"A man in Puerto Rico was arrested for stealing, this is true, 88 pieces of underwear from his neighbor's clothesline. The worst part about that story is the guy waited until he had 88 pieces of dirty underwear to do his laundry. That's ins- I don't even have 88 pieces of clean underwear! Who has that much underwear? That's weird."
"Hey everybody, like I have to tell you guys this, today's national sushi day! Or as fish call it, hell on Earth."
"Today Iran's supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Kh?mene said that there was no fraud in the election and the results will stand. That was the word from the supreme leader. I don't know, I wouldn't mind a second opinion from the other supreme leaders: Burrito supreme, taco supreme, and of course, Diana Ross."
"Did you see this online? GM announced that they will stop manufacturing the Pontiac vibe in August. The reason? Bad vibes. The CEO said today we're no longer making the Pontiac Vibe...also I had no idea there was something called a Pontiac vibe"
"Sunday is naked hiking day, everybody. Ridiculous, it's a real thing! It's where hikers take off their clothes and walk around the woods. It's just crazy. Monday of course is "National I didn't know you could get poison ivy there" day
"A British fashion student designed a dress that lights up when your cell phone rings. Too bad there wasn't an easier way to know when your phone is ringing...Like when it rings."
"Tomorrow is the 27th annual mermaid parade in Coney Island. You know, the worst job at that parade is the guy that has to follow behind and clean up all the mermaid poop. The parade gets crazier and crazier every year. Last time, seven mermaids were arrested for pulling down their seashells, and that's just out of control."
"It was just revealed that Apple CEO Steve Jobs received a liver transplant in Tennessee. He's doing great...but of course every time you get a new liver, they come out with a better one three months later. He should know that! Of all people! He should have waited!"
"Manny Ramirez, after being suspended 50 games for using a banned drug will play baseball tonight for the Albuquerque Isotopes. Manny said he doesn't know what isotopes are, but he's pretty sure he injected them at some point."
"Residents of Brooklyn neighborhood, they're saying they're being kept up all night by the mating calls of mockingbirds. Probably because the mating calls sound like "YO TINA YOU WANNA HOOK UP! HEY!" Nobody in Brooklyn sounds like that for the past 30 years, probably."
"Perez Hilton said he got punched by the Black Eyed Peas' tour manager after getting into an argument with will.I.am. Did you see that? Afterwards, Perez said will.I.am suing, black eyed please!"
"Dogs in Britain are being trained to sniff out diabetes when their owners' blood sugar drops. They're great at it...but only if the diabetes is in your crotch"
"Mark Sanford, the governor of South Carolina - this just keeps getting weirder - He was missing for five days, he finally showed up, he claimed he was just hiking in the Appalachian Mountains. Then, just today, he revealed he wasn't hiking in the Appalachian Mountains, he was in Argentina the entire time. He was in Argentina, where he was having an extra-marital affair! Wow! It all seems insane until you realize who his mistress is - Carmen Sandiego. Now it makes sense. No one knew where this guy was! He's got kids, too! He even missed Father's Day. And the kids got him a mug: World's greatest douchebag. Which is thoughtful, I thought it was very nice of the kids. That's the craziest story. You're wondering what John Gosselin is thinking right now. He's probably thinking like "This guy's the governor of South Carolina, twittering from Argentina, where he was having an affair! I have an appletini with a stripper, and it's like the world exploded. What is going on?"
"As a way to attract movie viewers, the Oscars announce that they will now will nominate 10 movies for best picture instead of five. That's just what the Oscars are missing, more losers"
"A woman in Oklahoma was arrested for prostitution after agreeing to be paid for her services with a case of Frito Lay chips. The judge sentenced her to 90 days of having to tell people that."
"Happy birthday to the lead singer of the band UB40. He says he's 48, but c'mon, don't lie, UB52. That's a simple one. I just threw that one in there. You don't have to think at all."